The other half

It's the best and the perfect moment when you are feeling the same way I does here.....

But it won't be

Another sux new year

Just feel that I don't wanna talk with him or have any interest to chat with him after the heart breaking moment earlier today.

Leaving me with no clue of how unhappy am I here...even it's Chinese New Year happening right now..

I just want to be alone...or I'm searching for someone that could talk with...

Someone who cares me, someone who appreciates me and someone who love me for who I am without me changed...

I don't think I can be happy right now...

Countdown for love

It's a huge task to resist or cannot communicate with my partner for 5 days...I can say I can't help it with my mental issue. Been planning what to do when he told me that he would go for seminars. It's the most difficult time when you don't have few friends in your social life. Well that's me. I don't have few friends. If I have, they wouldn't accompany me for full 5 days. Being alone is scared and being alone plus without anything to do. Is the worst nightmare ever. The fourth night, I dreamt of my ex hugs me when I'm sleeping. I feel warmth but I never do the same towards him as I don't love him. I know I'm missing my partner, but he's in the class while I'm outside waiting for him...

It's like been waiting for centuries, it's hard to stand outside alone without anyone to communicate with. There's no one have the feeling that I'm going through right now in my social circle.

Seriously, today is the last day of his seminar and I've been counting down since morning. I clean my room, my bathroom and everything. Then I'm tired, I sleep (even counting till the time he suppose to be finishing his class). When I woke up, he suppose to still have 1 1/2hr of class before end. But I received his message by just saying "we are going to klang to eat...finish class"...that was when I feel I'm so dumb in the ass that I'm like clapping a hand instead of two hands..and it's not clapping..

I feel, I feel I'm suppose to do something else to not care about how he treated me like this. But I couldn't hold it, my heart sores, my heart drops, my heart bleeds, and I've start dripping my tears from my eyes. One thing I done, I sent him text saying "honestly...I'm a lil bit unexpected and disappointed". That's when I cried, in the car with my parents while we are on te way for our dinner.

I feel stupid that only I'm who thinks about "us". I should be thinking "myself" but I'm the kind of person who easily attached to my own feelings. Trying hard to deny that I'm not, but am lying to myself to stay strong for my own statement.

It is really embarrassing for how he thinks of me(that's what I think). I really really didn't know what else to do to keeps my head off him. Am too attached, sometimes watching too much series, makes me think I should be vampire(who can shut their feelings,which I needed seriously!)

Awful feelings right now~!

Things that people noticed

From the starting, I have not expected anyone to see what I've done and what I've been doing to make anyone to praise about what I've done. All I knew was, I'm going to do what I'm suppose to do without putting a lot of hope that anyone would take notice on me. I am not the attention seeker that everyone would seek. I would do my jobs/tasks that falls into my category. Because I still believe there's hope than to believe there's miracle would happen.

It is just because I knew.....at last, there's someone in the management level that noticed me who done all the things that no one would do. I still won't give up on doing things I want to follow.

Whether you believe it or not

It's just me who need time to take a break from a normal not good routine to a better me which I was few months ago. Getting tired or feel like lack of sleep even I slept for 6 hours and more. I feel irritated sometimes, even I don't mean to. Then, I loss my appetite. I do not even know whether I think I gained weight and I strongly believe it have to do with my appetite.

It is really confusing when I am thinking what is the factor that caused me this and what is the reason behind what I've been behaving like lately. I really wanted to know. I really do not know how.

The awful feeling

It went pretty well over the past weekend at genting..

Till I think back of te memories I had..

I fell in love with that someone..but that someone hurt me badly...

How I wish I could erase the way I loved him..it's really awful when it is so embarrassing to cry for just that little thing.

For me it wasn't embarrassing when the one who is hurt, they are really hurt. We can't hide our pain, we live with it..

Most of my life are full of pains, sacrifice, tears, sobbing, falling and etc.

I wish I could really turn off my emotion at one point where I don't need to care anyone else feeling..which others treated me so...

It's hard....

Its my problem

I just think I'm a very not a good decision maker. I just know I always screw things up. Not a very proud attitude...

I have so much problem right now...

I don't know how should I do it...