Countdown for love

It's a huge task to resist or cannot communicate with my partner for 5 days...I can say I can't help it with my mental issue. Been planning what to do when he told me that he would go for seminars. It's the most difficult time when you don't have few friends in your social life. Well that's me. I don't have few friends. If I have, they wouldn't accompany me for full 5 days. Being alone is scared and being alone plus without anything to do. Is the worst nightmare ever. The fourth night, I dreamt of my ex hugs me when I'm sleeping. I feel warmth but I never do the same towards him as I don't love him. I know I'm missing my partner, but he's in the class while I'm outside waiting for him...

It's like been waiting for centuries, it's hard to stand outside alone without anyone to communicate with. There's no one have the feeling that I'm going through right now in my social circle.

Seriously, today is the last day of his seminar and I've been counting down since morning. I clean my room, my bathroom and everything. Then I'm tired, I sleep (even counting till the time he suppose to be finishing his class). When I woke up, he suppose to still have 1 1/2hr of class before end. But I received his message by just saying "we are going to klang to eat...finish class"...that was when I feel I'm so dumb in the ass that I'm like clapping a hand instead of two hands..and it's not clapping..

I feel, I feel I'm suppose to do something else to not care about how he treated me like this. But I couldn't hold it, my heart sores, my heart drops, my heart bleeds, and I've start dripping my tears from my eyes. One thing I done, I sent him text saying "honestly...I'm a lil bit unexpected and disappointed". That's when I cried, in the car with my parents while we are on te way for our dinner.

I feel stupid that only I'm who thinks about "us". I should be thinking "myself" but I'm the kind of person who easily attached to my own feelings. Trying hard to deny that I'm not, but am lying to myself to stay strong for my own statement.

It is really embarrassing for how he thinks of me(that's what I think). I really really didn't know what else to do to keeps my head off him. Am too attached, sometimes watching too much series, makes me think I should be vampire(who can shut their feelings,which I needed seriously!)

Awful feelings right now~!

Things that people noticed

From the starting, I have not expected anyone to see what I've done and what I've been doing to make anyone to praise about what I've done. All I knew was, I'm going to do what I'm suppose to do without putting a lot of hope that anyone would take notice on me. I am not the attention seeker that everyone would seek. I would do my jobs/tasks that falls into my category. Because I still believe there's hope than to believe there's miracle would happen.

It is just because I knew.....at last, there's someone in the management level that noticed me who done all the things that no one would do. I still won't give up on doing things I want to follow.

Whether you believe it or not

It's just me who need time to take a break from a normal not good routine to a better me which I was few months ago. Getting tired or feel like lack of sleep even I slept for 6 hours and more. I feel irritated sometimes, even I don't mean to. Then, I loss my appetite. I do not even know whether I think I gained weight and I strongly believe it have to do with my appetite.

It is really confusing when I am thinking what is the factor that caused me this and what is the reason behind what I've been behaving like lately. I really wanted to know. I really do not know how.

The awful feeling

It went pretty well over the past weekend at genting..

Till I think back of te memories I had..

I fell in love with that someone..but that someone hurt me badly...

How I wish I could erase the way I loved him..it's really awful when it is so embarrassing to cry for just that little thing.

For me it wasn't embarrassing when the one who is hurt, they are really hurt. We can't hide our pain, we live with it..

Most of my life are full of pains, sacrifice, tears, sobbing, falling and etc.

I wish I could really turn off my emotion at one point where I don't need to care anyone else feeling..which others treated me so...

It's hard....

Its my problem

I just think I'm a very not a good decision maker. I just know I always screw things up. Not a very proud attitude...

I have so much problem right now...

I don't know how should I do it...

I'm lost

I'm not even myself anymore. I couldn't feel what love is. I couldn't feel what love is between a guy and a girl. All it's about reality, sensing the fact is one of the wake up call to grow up in our life.

Negativities kept me from being a normal human feel. I felt I'm like a robot. Just cold and greasy blood through my veins. No heart beat, no pulse rate and certainly there is no more sweet smile and natural laughter.

I'm just too advanced to be perfect. Too advanced that no one can think what I'm thinking and what will be happening next.

I'm totally lost, lost in my own world....

Always there

No matter what, when I see the Taiwan drama...I just kept thinking about u. The story is just what happened to us. I kept wondered, what is the last episode like.

I'm just so scared and sad. I want u to be happy as well...

Moody

Lately I been acting weird and easily get irritated and mad. What is going on with me?

Why would I care many people I knew while they don't even care much about me. Why can't I just shrink myself and get myself out from all these little things?

Is it because I always been a small thing for everyone and I am easily to get bullied and be used for?

I really not feeling good. At first I thought I would go through a normal and happy and stress free day, but it seems like I still haven't got the fine day among everyday I been through.

I just want to rest!!!

There will be a day

Noone have a perfect 365 days that they desired to have. There will be a day or a moment where you feel sad, heartbroken, missing somebody, thinking about the past, thinking about moving on, struggling to be happy, tension, peer pressure, and etc!

Just somewhere somehow out of the blue, you just feel what a waste, pitiful, bitterness, sourness of the mood that you are having right now are totally sucks.

Sort of....this word...is the word that have a deeper bitterness or sorrow behind.

Well what to do, life journey is about up and down. Just like the heartbeat pulse. It goes up and down, which means you are still alive and normal.

New Discovery

Lately I have changed the way my lifestyle is. Doing things correctly or amend what I have done earlier. It's for my own good to live a better lifestyle than I am going through lately.

I would feel I'm much more tired than I am usually is. Making me to go to bed anytime I am working. Is quite frustrating because of the sudden tiredness that happened to me lately. Due to my working hour, I am not able to rest enough. It is always like I don't feel tired when I am suppose to feel tired. I want to be normal again. So I started off with after work, I will go back home and take a nap. Since my dinner would be around 8pm. Then wake up for dinner and got back home feeling tired and sleep again. Still, I don't feel I have enough rest. I would really like to know what happened and what exactly the issue of the tiredness came from.

Everyone notices my lifestyle changed. But sometimes daddy don't. But that is what I discover of the new me.

Changes

Last month I've started to change. Finding out that staying this way isn't the right thing. It was always been having bad or down days. Being said and scold, I know what I am doing,but all human are the same. They always say other people mistakes but will never tell to themselves.

I realised that I should have done better. To move on from this unhealthy relationship to a better one when the right time and the right person to come into the picture.

That's where I start to change. From drinking to not drinking behaviour. From getting outdoors till late night. From hanging out with friends to stay home person. And so on and forth.

I completely change my lifestyle and I had stop that relationship that do not bring me any happiness. I need to gain what I suppose to gain. Knowing which should I give more and which should I gain more. I've grown up to a better young lady.

As time pass, I realised that I should keep trying. Now every one of my friends see the changes in me. Even my mom seen it. It's all about time to prove that I am changing.

Change needs time and I need time too.

Smile

Most of the time I would just smile but deep down my throat I'm suffering from pain, madness and heartache

Broken hearted girl who always been broken not just once

Confession

It is still not right thing to argue but it's too over. I want to talk and not to walk away.

Being so innocent to trust again, it's a real hard task. Couldn't just feel any better. It's numb and cold feeling. It hurts a lot too. Being only the one that try to make everything fine and good, it's totally a tiring work. It doesn't even work well too.

Should I stop giving and just only receive? I'm a heartless reptile now.

Good night world

Opportunity

One week plus ago, he told me to stop this relationship. Is because he said that I am flirting right in front of his eyes and his friends eyes.

All I had done, it's just dirty dusts. I don't know what he's really thinking about and how to solve this issue.

Opportunity is nothing for me but it seems to be on his side.

Deduct my habits

Knowing him and being with him. I've changed to only one heart and I would only do anything with him. Going through stuffs together can really made two person know each other well.

After I have started this relationship, I had stop my bad habits. My habits that are really not good. Well that's because I was hurt real bad. Really bad. I need time to recover. Recovering process really do hurtful and feel very lonely. Especially during night time, it's the most lonely ever felt. Because u saw ur parents talking and laughing each other, bro and his gf too. It really impacted me real hard. It's just like snapped on my knee ligaments. So I keep finding whoever friend I have to spend the time. Find and find and find. Lastly I met vvnie. That's where I started to hang out with her. First time hanging out. We met tony and Danny.

We wouldn't even know we would form a group and being so close together. Now we have each other back, thou sometimes one of us really need the space to be alone. We keep on supporting each other. We are totally spilt, been drinking more than we ever did (well I don't know for both of them but I am). Am really grateful to have them. I keep on emo when I am also with them till I met him. I noticed him. He had been trying to ask me out but I reject because I'm actually still recovering and I have no trust in guys yet.

But it also depends how he sees that. I believed that he did not see how damaged my heart is to relationship. Since he had been trying to ask me out. , I gave it a try. Well, he tried to please me and sweet talks as usual. Then I just keep looking and things flashes in my mind. All about what will happen next or what are the things would appear if I really say "yes". This isn't a proposal yet and I am already thinking this kind of stuffs. See how badly or negatively my thinking is towards a relationship?

It is not I do not trust him, as because what I had been through. I do not know whether I should repeat the same heartbreak again. If I did, I think I will need more time to recover or maybe I ain't that good in relationship. The communication, the trust, the loyal issue, the controlling part, the keep pushing part, sacrificing for nothing and so on.

At last, he asked me whether I would like to be his girlfriend. And I was just thinking and thinking. Whether I should or should not. Lastly, I answered "I try" instead of "yes" nor "no". As I only can see, I am trying to protect myself. He would sees that I am trying to play with him but I am not. As you know, I am still having doubts in trusting guys. Especially night life styles.

At first I am stone cold, I would not care much. I won't reply his messages right after getting it or I did not report anything about what I did or where I go and who I am with. Then he started to do him a Favor by telling him what i have been doing whole day. So I listened and follow what he said. That is where I start to fall down and continue on falling till I do not know how deep it is. I started to give and give. I started to sacrifice. I started to pamper him. Without knowing how much cost again I could have hurt. I am willing to only focus on him. That is how my habits stop. Because I do not want to lose this relationship on my bad habits. I need to behave myself.

Stand strong me!

Stand strong

I need to stand strong. I really need strong motivation. Give me strength to go through this peacefully and everything goes smoothly.

Really love him. I just don't know why. Why would I always end up falling down first than him.

Really blue today. Even it's Tuesday.

First ever April fool of my life and it is the last one

At first I was thinking how should I fool anyone today. Especially Marron, but I wouldn't dare because I scare it won't work how the way I plan. However I still think of what kind of plan should I do to not make things worst or too over about doing it.

About pregnant? No! About getting married? No! Then I was thinking, hmmm maybe I should fool him about I'm going to shanghai,china. It wouldn't be too over isn't it? Yeah...was planning to have lunch with him but unfortunately he is still sleeping. Because I kept SMS him but no reply at all. So I pretend that I'm angry and snob him. Keep spamming him but still no reply at all.

So I keep planning how it should work. Then I came up together with Elisha. Apparently it is working at first, but didn't thought of what coming next. Which is he started to get angry and mad that I had made the decision to go shanghai with my boss. Then I didn't know what to reply him until I delayed my time and keep thinking how I should reply him without any doubt that it was actually Aprils fool.

However, it is not appearing how it should be until without acknowledge it, I'm actually making it more hotter. So, I just don't wanna reply him. So that I could just face to face with him and let him scold or whatever. Then, I only let him know that actually the whole set up was just Aprils fool prank.

After work, I straightaway go and look for him. Before things get to the end. As in the SMS itself, he said if I come with my boss before I leave, it's better to forget about us. This phrase, really shaken me up! My hands even keep shaking because of that word. Omg! So by the time I saw him working here, he asked me "what?". Then I keep looking at him. Lets see what he wants to say first. So he didn't, I started to tell him that it was just April fool prank. He was stunt that he didn't thought I would make fun about this stuff. So I was like persuading him and try to comfort him that everything was alright. I even told him not to be angry and look at him and want him to feel that, I am actually not meant to fool him this big!

Anyway, i am not sure whether he still angry but I do told him that where I would go later. Then his expression totally different when I talked about badminton. Then he said that he would like to play badminton when the day is his off day. Well of course I smile and talk with him regarding on that. After that, I tell him that i am going back home first. In my heart, I am still thinking that he would always remember how I fool him regarding this. My heart still don't feel comfortable.

On the other side, I actually fooled tony and vvnie too. About the same story, lastly they ended up angry at me :( guessed tomorrow they won't come anymore or even care me. Wu wu wu..... :'(

That's how my first and the last prank goes!!!!!!

Marron still angry too! :(

Really really fast and Frust

It's been just a month and 3 days since started this relationship. And what I had been thinking has started. The way the relationship becomes an issue where less messaging started, trust is an issue, jealousy increasing, and maybe argument will start soon.

I guess I had been pampering him already and he started to use this advantage. At the same time, I'm thinking, is he really what worth fighting for? At first when he asked me to be his girlfriend, I already thought it was fast already. Now, it seems like I'm falling down real fast. Faster than he does and he's having the advantage of me fears of losing him than he does.

I really need to slow things down. I really need to stop myself falling fast. But gravity seems to making it work real fast. Just according to my weight and the gravity, it already does it work.

I need focus focus focus. Stop thinking more than just for myself. I'm trying I'm trying. Trying real hard. I woke up already from this reality world

It's new or old

I don't really treat much as how I treat my ex bf did. Because I'm enough with fooling n cheatings.

Everytime I see u and keep looking into ur face, u felt like I've threaten u. I guess I should be holding on. And won't interrupt your space to achieve what u wan.

Although there are a lot of eyes looking at you, they still wouldn't feel the someway as I did. Just like how our 1st month anniversary been.

I just love him. I really don't know why.

My plan

I guessed I'm going to be the one who qui te the job..since I have more to lose than a guy who said that he loves me so much.

Living the new me

It's such a big change when I met him and started when he first asked me to be his girl friend on Sunday night. Where I'm this bar alone, he treat me really good at that time. I just knew I didn't know what to believe I or what u should believe._
Ceh he was asking the question...I've been thinking till the way we have a family someday. The main pint would be...who would accept him like how I accept him as who how is..

I love him very much

Quite sometime

It's been quite sometime i did not write anything here. As for myself, I knew what's been happening around me lately. Mostly I feel happy when its daytime but when it comes to night time. I felt that, night time will take a quite a moment to been through it alone. I'm still trying to make myself used to it. Previously was with family. Dinner with them then come back home from dinner and have a rest. Where I could not even fell asleep. I'm trying to make myself sleep, but still couldn't. I hope I can be alright. A normal person who I am used to be, where I don't even have a partner that I had earlier or even maybe present.

Life is about going through adventures and also living in the life of mysterious life. Been through everything made us feel that, people can be influenced. It's just like when we were kid, we are so wishing that we could be grow up faster and try to join the elders for the certain activities. But when we are adults, we are thinking or wishing that we could turn back the time and let us be young again. Where we could not been thinking much about future.

Freshness

Who doesn't like freshness in food they wanted taste. The freshness of seafoods or meat that they could taste of. Everyone in this generations are getting materialistic now. What could be done to get the old traditions keep going.

Youngsters now are taking their feeling way too before their traditions and their family does

Family for me are alway the prioritised one....I love family :)

Believing

If you don't believe me, then don't. Don't just have doubts. I know it is tiring to have doubts in thought.
If you do believe me, just follow the path. There is no forcing, you feel better.

Not that I wanted to be

Sometimes when you are not in the mood, you tend to not follow your interest although it's your interest. It's just like you have no appetite but your stomach is growling. It's the same for me. What about the rest of you?

Living behind the mask

Am actually not happy but just to go through the day, I just live behind a mask.