First experience

I'm doing it all alone with loud music playing and still I don't feel happy at all...what the hell to me????
Second round for myself for today and it's the first time i came here...without anyone accompanying and drinking alone....
Why it's happening to me

Not desperate

Telling myself that I shouldn't let guys know that I'm desperate but I'm telling myself it's not the time yet...
I must take care of myself before things get wrong...

Lifeless

Living without friends are totally really lifeless journey to go through. Have friends but ended up nothing. Accept for who they are but they didnt think to accept back for who we are.
I honestly really feel sucks everyday. Contacts are useless because, NO ONE understands and do things together. IT REALLY SUCKS!!!

Always alone

Everything I'm going through everyday is all alone even I have a partner...he said he won't leave me alone but it seems it's like another challenges ahead in this relationship.
I see ppl have partners doing things together while me i am just like maybe im in a relationship but for others I'm still single and available...
If its not then they'll say I should be with another guy who deserves it.
I got only 1-2 person to talk with but it seems like every time I want to burst out...I can't find them as they are doing their own thing...
I watched glee today. About long distance relationship, in the end, they didn't work out and they break up too...what a nightmare...
Have partner but always alone...

Heart sour

Every time I only able to see you but couldn't be close to you, be with you, hang around with you, stay with you and etc...my heart feels sour
Who am I really meant to you?

Broken

Don't act strong and happy in front of your school friends...
The most obvious thing is your eyes swollen...let your heart burst out..
I told my mind...I couldn't..because I don't want to burst out here...I wan to burst out only the one I loved

Him

I think he's on drug again. I see myself fear and frighten. I don't want to be in worst nightmare again. His eyes, I can tell that he's on drug...I didn't know how but I felt it...
I don't feel anything good on him anymore.

Don't think you cared

Everyone is selfish for themselves and you too...
I didn't know what makes people treats people unfair since the human is existed in this world...just because of wanted to survive? Why would they do it by cheating and not doing it fair and square. I hate this!
You wouldn't care me, you just care mostly on yourself. I have to stop caring someone else I love.

Stay or leave

At first he said let her give birth and after few months when her emotions are stable enough then only would make everything clear between him and her...
But now it's already going to be 4 months old....till now not even one thing is made clear...
I'm not saying I ain't patient...I did...and I'm getting confused whether he still want me or decided to be with her instead. I really really confused all by myself now..

Curious

When there's something that you ask, question, doubt or suspicious....when you don't get the answer...the feeling is really suffering. No answer to a question, doubting with millions question marks in the head and suspicious but you don't get to see it with your own eyes...
It really hurts and you will never know what will happen next...
During the time you are waiting to know the answer, truth, no doubt....your heart beats really fast...cold sweat....
I hate this feeling...

I couldn't be as cruel as you

I can try to stay away from you but I really didn't know how but I could only try to pull myself back just to give you space for your own.
I can say no but if that's what you are happy with, then I've got no choice but to follow what you wanted and see you happy rather than I'm making myself happy and made you angry with me for what I've chose to do. I'm really really sad to do the things that I make you mad and sad....
I wish you always happy...rather than I happy on my own without you..
I can do it but....I didn't know whether you are willing or you are totally didn't know what I was thinking and what I've chose to fulfil what you needed....

Something special

There is something special that we both still can sparks...just that maybe only one sparks and the other is not, it needs to be repaired.
I can see we still have it. And I think he knew it too.
Time will tell everything.

Hope

Hope I will be better and he too. I really didn't know how to face him. It is truly the closest stranger feeling ever. Not talking, not smiling, not joking, not happy together at all.
I just want to be us again....

Yesterday

While waiting this happens

I don't know how

He said that he's been thinking a lot lately after we arguing. Basically I kept shooting him back every time he ask me question. But I am just jokingly and smiling while answering it. I knew I didn't respect him previously. But I change is because I want to respect people. So others don't feel that I am rude as how he said me.
It's true I am jumping back into this romance. I don't want to have another bad romance. I have too tired enough. Really tired. Sad. Been not sleeping well lately. Wake up and cry. While sleeping I am crying. If it's not, my body will be shaking or shocked once and when I sleep back, my body shocked once again.
I really wanted this and I know that if we both change, it's no longer us anymore.
If I go and find him. I think he would probably piss off already. I really didn't know how because I just want to talk with him regarding on this. My heart just can't stop thinking and my heart hurts.

Whether I'm in a relationship or not

He said he would like to accompany me to visit hospital but not very convincing from the starting.
Guys will always be guys

Inspiration?

Been going through and still being the same that boys arent going to feel that we're unhappy unless maybe we should change roles...
But, even we dont change, if happens that they are going through, they still wont admit that how bad it is to feel unhappy for us.

You

I really didn't know how to explain it very details how you were in front of me...I just knew that I knew you very well and indeed very very understandable because I'm used to be like you.
I couldn't found back the old me with the same attitude with u. Just because I've experienced too much...enough to versus ur life experiences with u throughout 6 years....
It's the main reason that I'm very tired of previous relationships. I knew you too doesn't want to be arguing most of the time and also feel very tired throughout the experiences....
I knew you...now how you want it to be?

If you want to choose regret

I'm keeping myself back, I'm giving you time to think. Im giving you time to tolerate and I'm giving you everything that you want to be.
How about you towards me? Trying to say that I kept arguing with you and made you felt like not teaching me. This is how you gonna treat me? While just smiling and laughing a bit to argue that one point? For god sake, I'm just joking! If you are joking to me, I'm angry. You said that I'm what? Think back....
Who tolerates who now? Are you trying to make yourself regret? You choose

Believe in life after love?

It sometimes felt I'm always giving and not receiving. You can be like who you are, and I'm losing myself again for this purpose.
At some point, I felt I'm a fool and always been the one that's patience with anything. You can scold, you can jealous, you can be who you are, you can be pissing off, you can be having your own space and me? Did you ever thought of me how would I be when you put yourself into my accurate position with your own anger and patience?
You have your own temperature, I do have too. I don't want to let it out because I felt tired of getting fight and arguing. And you know it. I guess I'm giving you off time.

Win or Lose

If you keep on counting on how I talked to you,said to you,statement it to you and etc....
I think I need to leave u some time for you to think about what rules you wanted between us.
But, if you are thinking setting up rules, it won't be normal us again. All are just following rules and I can tell you that it's not who I am anymore.
Think.....

Pressure

It's almost same day as usual on weekdays where I don't get my mood happy at all. If I had, I will be moody again.
It's hard, really hard to maintain a good mood when he's there so strict but to others were all friendly.
Jealousy? I don't think so. I wish there's somebody who knows this exact feeling that I'm going through everyday. Heart sour. All I could do is just be patience? And being bullied? I rather quit if I keep holding on. I couldn't take it any much longer....

Moody Monday

Early morning thought it was a great chance of getting out from the current company. It seems like I'm still staying till I found other options.
Interview was nothing much like others as the interviewer was just asking on what I do know about this program that they are hiring. I just roughly gave an answer and know nothing much. So we discuss about what's the program is about. How will it be and what I'm going to be after the program ended at 8 months later.
The first answer given was going to be sales business banker. Involving loans for wide companies. No sales, termination on the way. No commission just bonus based on performance. Basic salary would just be around what I have right at the moment. Basically, I knew the answer that I doesn't want this position and I couldn't leave my current company for the moment.
So, thought it would be a great opportunity but it seems like I have to patiently waiting for another news....
While driving back, I didn't know where else I could go. Thinking to eat my brunch but felt only one person eating mcd would not be delicious and thinking of buying a new pair of heels for working but it seems like I'm not in the mood.
So I went back home. Eat instant noodle and while cooking it, I couldn't take it anymore. My tears started to flow. Really are not in the good mood.

Broken past,hurt present,happy future?

Last time with my old character with attitude but I don't seem to have many friends at school and college...
Been living heart broken for past few years...relationship torn,parents disappointment in me,friendship and I'm lost...
I did ever think back that my prev life journey was totally incredibly humiliated and was a pain in the ass. Being hurt,leading disappointment,betrayed,feeling fool,and was trying to get everything to be balance in everything. Dropped my weight at least 5kgs. And maintaining at the weight of still underweight BMI...
Till recently, supper...gained weight if 5kgs...and going through a hectic and messy life...having a lot of patience but I didn't know how long it will last till I will give up or I give up by the time there's no choice that he didn't give me a confirmation...it's been half year...and still going on...going through lot but yet not as hurt as past relationships. All I could ever do is just being patience with every challenges and also do the best that I could. But, I still need supports from peoples who I loved and always been my favourite.
I wish I knew the result of my future journey...
I just want to be living a normal,peaceful and happy life...that's all I ever wanted. It's not a big dreams but a dream that is possible to get if I really met the real person.